Friday, December 20, 2013

Holiday Greetings From Your Favorite Book Boyfriends

Dan "Fucking " Smith
A is for Alpha Male by Laurel Ulen Curtis

Hello, ladies! Dan Smith here, dropping by to give my fondest holiday wishes and some unsolicited advice.

First off...Happy Holidays!

May your glasses be full, your alphas be virile, and your lists be fulfilled.

Be confident in who you are, make your man work to please you, and don’t settle for love that’s easily paralleled.

I’d tell you how pretty you all are, but I’m not fond of Haley’s threats that involve the words “dick” and “catastrophic mutilation” in tandem. And she’s just crazy enough that I take these things seriously.

Don’t worry, though. I can handle her. Ever since the YouTube debacle, she takes paranoia to a knew level, thinking everyone who glances her way just wants to give her an unfair rating on her swan dive. It’s pretty entertaining, but it also takes a certain amount of finesse to contain the damage. Something I’ve perfected.

God, I love her. 

In fact, I love every crazy second. And underneath all of her theatrics, the love she shows me in return has more warmth than the fleeciest of blankets.

Having Haley makes this Christmas the best one for me on record, and that’s saying something. Thanks to my elephant brain, just one virtual perusal into my brain brings up a tidy transcription of each and every one.

But what makes it even better is you guys! Three Chicks and their readers are the best. Without you, I wouldn’t exist. Literally.

Wishing all of you health, happiness, and loads of laughter this holiday season!

Dailan O'Malley
An Unplanned Lesson and An Unplanned Life by Beth Rinyu

So, I guess this is supposed to be one of those family letters that my mother would get every Christmas from a bunch of people that she wouldn't talk to all year long, but felt compelled to recap how perfect the past year of their life was. It was all laid out perfectly on one page that was decorated with candy canes and Christmas trees or some shit like that.

Well rest assured,  I'm not going to bore you with the details of how perfect my life and my family has been for the past year because we are far from it, and that's fine by me.  Instead, I will tell you my version of perfect.

 Ryan is a sixth grader and in middle school.  I’m really still having a hard time believing it. He's not a straight A student and even gets an occasional D, but I'm still just as proud as can be of him. Not to mention he's got the best pitching arm out of anyone his age. His phone is already ringing off the hook with girls calling him, another proud uncle moment for me. I just wish Nicole could be equally as happy about that one.

 Ella, well she's deep within her terrible two's. Of course I could overlook anything she does because she is just so damn cute. She’s very stubborn and strong willed, just like her mother. Even though Nicole swears she’s just like me. Her vocabulary has greatly expanded as well, even though the stuff she is saying may be "inappropriate" as Nicole likes to call it, they're still some pretty damn big words!  And to me that’s all they are, just plain old words. Who made up that bullshit about certain words being bad and having everyone gasp or look down on you for saying them? I tried selling Nicole on that theory but she wasn't buying it.  Especially after Ella said "bullshit" to her preschool teacher when she didn't want to clean up from playtime (it amazed me how some of her words were so much clearer than others and that just happens to be one of them). As you can guess that didn't go over too great with Nicole. She insisted that she learned that from me.  I really don’t think that she did.  All of you know that isn’t my word of choice that I use on a daily basis. She would have been much better off if she had said that word instead, especially since she wasn't really that good at pronouncing her F's yet.  She could have easily pulled it off as “truck.” So, after that little mishap, I've decided that my New Year's resolution would be to quit cursing cold turkey. Nicole swears that I won't be able to last longer than a week, so we made a little bet.  If I lose I have to go to the Taylor Swift concert with her. If I win, well let's just say it’s “inappropriate” to say what's at stake in this letter, but that box from Santa sitting under the tree from Victoria's Secret has something to do with it. And you all know how I hate to lose!

 As far as Nicole and I go, I am still just as in love with her as I was on the day that I married her. Yeah, we still get into some knock down drag out fights but that's what keeps it so exciting, not to mention the makeup sex.   I know that everything will never be “perfect.”  Both Ryan and Ella will have their fair share of screw up’s, growing up and Nicole and I won’t always see eye to eye. But my wife and kids are my definition of perfect and always will be.

Well, I have to get going. My mom is here visiting with her “man friend” and my dad and his wife are coming over for Christmas Eve. Nicole is nervous as hell about all of them being together.  Me, I could care less, I think it will actually be entertaining!  Jack and Kitty O’Maley have been known to go a whole twelve rounds with neither one backing down. Ryan has both sets of boxing gloves out and ready to go!

Happy Christmas and New Year to you and yours!  I hope Santa is good to everyone and wish me luck in keeping that resolution!


Dailan O’Maley

No comments:

Post a Comment

How to Configure Numbered Page Navigation After installing, you might want to change these default settings: